There is a shame that goes along with getting COVID-19. 

As a society, we shame others and blame them for their situation whether or not we know how they contracted it. I know the shame is there because I am guilty of putting it on others who have tested positive. Even when my own sister had it, I shamed her for weeks, and whenever she would complain, I would say that she “brought this upon herself.” 

My sister had COVID-19 in the middle of November, and I had to quarantine for 10 days. This time the situation is different. Now I am in isolation again, but this time I am waiting for my own COVID-19 symptoms to pass. At sixteen years old, I did not think that the virus would kill me, unlike my neighbor who contracted it at eighty years old and passed away the following week, but I was not scared I would die, but that does not mean I was not worried I would get the virus. I was also concerned about the lasting effects, which we know so little about.  

I hoped that the Coronavirus would not get to me; after all, I was so careful. For instance, I have not been inside of a store since November started; I have not engaged with anyone outside of my immediate family for three weeks; and, I have not been in school for four weeks. Despite all of those precautions, I sit here in my bedroom COVID-ridden. How? I did not go to parties or gatherings. I mostly stayed home, and I wore my mask anytime I was outside of the house. I also kept my distance from my grandparents to reduce the chance of getting them sick. I was the girl that would tell people to put their mask on properly and would wait until I was safely in my car to remove it. My sister and I went to a store last summer, and as we were leaving, she began removing her mask. I remember staring at her in disbelief: why would you wear it in the store and not outside where people were gathered? 

Apparently, that was not enough. My sister went out with a few friends and came home with what we thought was a cold but later found out that it was far from a typical cold. I guess you could say she was lucky to not show any symptoms, but she did contract COVID-19. Consequently, my mom and I needed to quarantine for fourteen days even though we both tested negative. My sister was isolated in her room and had meals delivered to her door so she did not infect other parts of the house. I was tested, of course, and was relieved when it came back negative. Finally, my sister’s ten day quarantine period was finished, and the first thing she did was shop at a store for supplies to deep clean her room. She was gone getting the supplies when I decided that I needed nail polish, so I entered her room, before it was cleaned, to grab some. 

Here I am now, on day nine of quarantining for the second time, the first being when my sister had COVID-19. This time, however, I am in isolation in my room. Was it leftover germs on the nail polish? Or did I get it before my sister went into isolation? All I know is that I tested positive after a couple days of feeling sick. I had such a mild cold that I almost cancelled my test, but I went to “just be safe.” I was positive; I was so careful, yet I still tested positive. I immediately was sent to my room to begin my ten days of no contact with anything or anyone outside of my bedroom door. 

This is how each day has gone for me: I wake up each morning to my mom knocking on my door and my phone alarm ringing in my ear. I am a heavy sleeper, but since contracting this disease I have had to adjust to the fact that I cannot have someone shake me awake. My body now has to wake up on its own since my mom can’t touch me or enter my room. 

Next, I go to class. It is all virtual, so no one really notices the difference between normal me and COVID me. It would be embarrassing for me to have people notice that I sound or look sick. I am not that girl who went out and partied all of quarantine with friends and then contracted COVID-19. That is just not me or how it happened. The truth is I stayed home and was careful. But in the end, grabbing nail polish from my sister’s bathroom shelf or hanging out with her before she tested positive is what got me sick. Who knows how I got it, but people will make judgements about having the Coronavirus if they know I contracted it, so I pretend that everything is normal. In virtual classes, I always seize the opportunity to turn my camera off just in case I look a little pale. I only speak when necessary because I do not want anyone to notice the nasal sound in my voice. I continue on about my day spending the lunch period doing extra work and cleaning my room. That is another thing: since I cannot leave my room, I do all my classes from my bedroom floor or on my bed because my desk is outside of the barrier (my bedroom walls) that I cannot cross. 

Once the clock strikes 3:15 p.m., the scheduled part of my day is over. No more obligations, now all the time is in my control. Time that I used to carefully fill with dog walks and workouts is now replaced with me sitting on my bedroom floor trying to amuse myself. I have spent time painting, knitting, embroidering, coloring, writing, reading, meditating, doing my nails, cleaning out my closet, perfecting my grades on myMFS, color coordinating my clothes, writing articles, and watching The Bachelor. I have been rummaging to find an activity that will satisfy the busy brain inside of my head. 

I was frustrated that the school sent an email to the community and told my teachers about my positive COVID test. I begged my mom to ask the school to not tell my teachers, but they have to follow protocol. I did not want to be seen as less of a leader or a worse person because I have stumbled upon this sickness. People tell me it is not a weakness to get sick, but I see what people post on social media when the school sends out another email about a case. The posts that say things like, “Which one of you nasty people got it?” and “Why can’t you just stay at home?” and “I have no sympathy for teens who get this disease.” 

I don’t have COVID-19 nearly as severely as others who get the virus, and I know that makes me lucky. I also know that I followed safety precautions, yet I still felt ashamed to share with anyone but two close friends that I had tested positive. I got the courage to share finally in hopes that it would help others. I now wonder how this situation would have been different if I had not been afraid to ask for support from the community. 

It makes me wonder what would happen if we all stopped putting blame on others and if we did not make others feel ashamed or guilty that they contracted the Coronavirus. What if we took better care of our community and showed more compassion? Then, the people who got COVID-19 wouldn’t hide it out of shame, and they would be less lonely. I think that this virus and its effects on the community could have been very different if we changed the way we reacted and judged each other.